When the Parenting Roles Reverse: Parenting your Parents with Respect and Dignity

It's inevitable, we age, and there comes a time for all of us lucky enough to have our parents with us into their later years, when the parenting roles reverse.

The parents who have taken care of you and watched over your shoulder as you grew and matured are now relying on you to help them meet their needs.

For your parents, depending on you is a lesson in humility and can bring a range of emotions they may not have expected such as guilt, frustration or even depression or embarrassment.

Transitioning into the role of primary caregiver for your parents in need of parenting is no less difficult for you. Having to make decisions that affect their life, independence and care makes many a son and daughter feel uncomfortable and doubtful as to whether or not they've made the right choices.

Help yourself help your elderly loved ones:

Base Decisions on Respect and Dignity

Respect who your parents are and their wishes of how they would like to live out their life as best you can. They may have a living will or have spoken with you before. Use this to guide you when and if they are unable to express their preferences themselves, as seen in those with Alzheimer's disease.

Don't Leave Difficult Decisions Too Late 

Communication is they key to understanding your parent's situation, feelings, needs and wants. Don't leave difficult but necessary conversations too late, such as 'what would you want to happen when you can no longer bathe by yourself?'
Learn about the preferences your parents have and take note.

Clarify Expectations

Being the primary caregiver in a family can often be a willing burden. You want to help, you feel expected to help, but it takes more than one. If your siblings or involved relatives expect you to care for Mom or Dad, clarify how they expect to contribute. They can help with finances, do the shopping, organize the home care schedules or give you respite breaks when needed.

Don't Neglect Yourself 

How many times have they told you the story about what happened to them at the grocery store? Often people with dementia will repeat stories, sometimes word for word, without remembering they've already told you. They may ask you the same questions over and over again, too.

Share in Their Life 

Spend quality time with your parents and don't dwell on their mortality. Make memories together that will last and fuel you during the more difficult times.

Educate Yourself 

Medical treatment, surgery and rehabilitation options are changing and you need to be the moderator of you and your parent's healthcare. Be informed about any health concerns, join support groups and meet with professionals.  

Plan Ahead for Homecare 

Speak to a professional Care Coordinator at Premier Homecare Services to learn how your parent's independence can be supported with respect and dignity through the compassionate care of our caregivers.

By: Cindy Stead, Private Home Care Expert at AgeComfort.org Health Care Resource Centre

Photo Credit: Raul Lieberwirth

Putting Lipstick on Grandma at 97

My grandma recently turned 97...in the hospital. She fell and broke her hip, the good one. She will not be going home again.

When I was preparing to visit grandma, I thought to myself what can I do for her that will make her feel wonderful? What does she love in her personal care? Food? Leisure? What are her favourite things in the world?!

Instantly I thought about how important her hair and nails have always been to her so I went to the store and bought a nail file, buffer, nail polish remover and grandma's favourite shade of pink. I also bought hand cream to give her a gentle hand massage. I knew that the family had organized someone to do her hair regularly so I would simply fluff it! I also bought some prewashed mixed berries. Another favourite of grandma's.

As I walked into her hospital room yesterday, she was sitting in a chair wrapped in a blanket. Grandma looked so small and fragile, it was everything I could do to hold back my tears, to smile and pour energy into her room. To make her look and feel beautiful like the grandma I had always known.

Grandma woke as I was setting the bags down, she smiled and said, "Is that you, Kim?", and I hugged her and said, "Yes."

I pulled out the hand cream and pink nail polish and gave her a manicure. She was so excited. Her skin was so thin and cold. I fluffed her hair and then I said, "Grandma, would you like lipstick?".
She says, "Do you think I need it?"
I said, "Absolutely! Shouldn't we always look as good as we can?"
Grandma smiled and said, "Yes, we should."

See, grandma always wore lipstick, so why not now? The only reason  she is not wearing it is because it is hard for her to do it herself. So I searched her drawers...I found several boxes of "Pot of Gold" -the typical hospital present. And then I see her lipstick. I put it on her and then I mix hand cream and lipstick on my hand to make like a cream blush and dab her cheeks Grandma looks like grandma again. She is so beautiful and now she's glowing. My sadness has lifted.       

Just before I leave, grandma says, "I'll have to put my hands on top of the blanket so everyone can see my beautiful nails."

In my 44 years of knowing my grandmother, I have never felt so close to her. I have never touched her like I touched her, cared for her like I cared for her. This gift to my grandmother was a much greater gift to me. I will learn from this experience, share it and cherish this memory forever.

By: Kimbery Irwin, Beauty and Hair Expert at AgeComfort.org Health Care Resource Centre

Photo Credit: Haircuts on Wheels